


Within These Words

by im_the_king_of_the_ocean



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Letters, M/M, MAG199 spoilery, Self-Sacrifice, implied End of the World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 20:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30111345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_the_king_of_the_ocean/pseuds/im_the_king_of_the_ocean
Summary: Statement of Jonathan Sims, upon his ascent up the Panopticon.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Within These Words

**Author's Note:**

> I've been debating back and forth whether or not I want to post this now. Originally, I wanted to use the idea of Jon writing a letter to Martin for an entry into Jonmartin Week, but after I listened to 199, my fic for that morphed into this. I considered saving it for the week anyway, but since it was written as a response to an episode, I feel like sharing it directly after that episode is better.
> 
> Also, I got a huge vibe that Jon is going to do something Not Good in the finale and this fic grew out of that.

_Martin,_

~~ _I_ ~~

~~ _I am_ ~~

~~ _Upon reading this letter, you_ ~~

_I love you._

_Deeply and wholly, with all that I am.I know I have spoken these precious words to you many times before, but I need you now to read them here and know that they are irrevocably true and always will be.I love you._

_I never hated you.Not even in the beginning when you think I did.That first year, when it was just us, and Tim and Sasha, in the Archives, I, I wanted to prove myself so badly.Prove that I was capable.I wasn’t qualified to be a Head Archivist when I was promoted to the position.Not by normal standards at least.I don’t think I ever told you that.I am so sorry it has to be now when I do.Back then, I was so scared Elias would think…_

_I suppose it never could have been a mistake._

_Regardless, when I saw you, I saw myself in you, in your ‘mistakes’.I thought if I was associated too much with you, then someone would realize I—_

_I was arrogant and prideful.I distanced myself from you, demeaned you, to present a more ‘professional’ version of myself.It was wrong.Not a moment goes by where I don’t regret it.I wish I could go back, start again._

_Maybe it was crisis and trauma that brought us together.Maybe things could have been…different if we hadn’t met at the Institute.I’ve tried to envision it, you know, a chance meeting in a little cafe or some such thing.You’d be there for a poetry reading perhaps.I’d come in for a cup of tea.There’d be a picture of a highland cow on the wall for whatever reason and we’d get to talking about it and..._

_But that wouldn’t have happened, would it?No matter how many times, how many scenarios, I picture, none of them seem like they would work.Not for us.Not in this reality, at least.Perhaps in one of the others.There was a statement once, from a woman, Anya Villette, who came through the crack in reality at Hill Top Road.The Institute didn’t exist in the world she came from.I’ve wondered if there is a ‘Jon’ there, and a ‘Martin’.If they’ve met, come to love each other, found happiness._

_I can’t help but fear we’d be condemning them to our fate if we were to send the Entities through.There’s no way I can Know, of course.No certainty found there, or in anything.But it’s not only about them, or the possibility of them.I need you to understand that.More than anything, I need you to understand that I cannot live in a world knowing I have condemned countless more to the miserable existence I already have those who reside in our world._

_I know there’s a chance that a ritual will not succeed in the other worlds.That the Entities will remain on the edges.Even so, the suffering they were able to cause here before Jonah succeeded.I can’t…_

~~ _The books—_ ~~

~~ _The real Sasha—_ ~~

~~ _Tim, his brother—_ ~~

_The Entities must be stopped once and for all.I refuse to lose anyone else to them.I refuse to let anyone else be_ _used_ _by them.Turned into their tool._

_I am sorry._

_I will not ask your forgiveness.I do not deserve it._

_I love you.You filled my life with a warmth I never truly hoped to dream of.I will cherish the memory for as long as I am able._

_Yours,_

_Jon_

Jon folds the piece of paper holding his last words on it.He clicks the pen he found shut.Should it surprise him that he found the materials he needed so readily?Probably.But the Eye knows the thoughts in his head.It provided him with—no, that’s not right.The Eye didn’t bend the world to give him this. 

It was Jon who gave himself this.

The Eye doesn’t care one way or another.It knows what he’s going to do.It’s satisfied.It’s getting what it desires.He _hates_ it.

Ever so quietly, Jon moves around to stand by Martin’s head.He gazes down at the one he loves as he breathes peacefully in his sleep.It wasn’t hard to shield Martin from the nightmares.All Jon had to do was lean in to what he is, what he will always be now.It’s selfish, but Jon is glad this will be his last memory of Martin.Knowing he’s safe and comfortable, at least for a little while.While he himself…

He’ll make sure Martin’s looked after, when he’s up there.

Jon sighs.He places his letter down by Martin’s head, where he’s sure to find it upon waking.Jon turns to go.Hesitates.Softly, gently, he leans down and presses a kiss to Martin’s temple.Then, taking a breath to compose himself, Jon makes his way through the tunnels and up the Panopticon.Nothing stops him until he’s staring up at Jonah Magnus.

The words are on Jon’s lips.For a brief moment, he holds them back, but his voice hasn’t truly been his in a long, long time.Maybe it never was to begin with.

At least the words to end it all will be.


End file.
